SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A MOTHERLESS CHILD

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child

My grandmother took me to see my first play when I was a teenager. We went to Playhouse Square close to downtown Cleveland. 

I remember dressing up in our Sunday’s best. We were both excited to be able to share this experience together. 

It was a gospel play/musical about a single mom raising her daughter on her own. The mother was living a wild life, in and out of bad relationships with men. 

At some point in the play, the mother started dating an abusive man that the daughter didn’t like at all.

The daughter expressed her concern to her mother, but the mother said she was in love and was going to continue to date him. The mother wanted companionship more than she wanted to raise her daughter.

She then exits the stage with her boyfriend, the daughter starts to cry and begins singing… “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.”

As soon as she started singing the lyrics to the song, I started crying. This felt like my life being reenacted right in front of me.

The song expressed exactly how I felt, like a motherless child. As I cried my granny comforted me by holding my hand. 

My granny knew why I was crying because as a teenager I had moved in with her due to the unhealthy relationship I had with my mother.

The tears wouldn’t stop falling.

I believe there was a happy ending but I only remember walking out of the theater feeling overwhelmingly sad.

It would be several years later that I would begin to do the inner work to heal from my pain by going to therapy.

 
 

What Motherless Looks Like

When someone feels motherless, it’s not just referring to people whose mother may have passed away.

You may also feel like a motherless child if… 

  • You have an unhealthy toxic relationship with your mother

  • You and your mother fell out over something and haven’t spoken in months

  • You and your mother don’t have a “normal” mother-daughter relationship

  • You have deep issues with your mother that you can’t seem to shake

These are just a few instances where you may feel motherless and all alone.

Even though I have a beautiful relationship with my Granny, aunts and other women in my life, there are times when I feel like a motherless child. 

No one can take the place of a mother’s love. Not one person. 

There were times when I would sit and think about the reality of the relationship that I have with my mother and it saddened me because what I longed for I would never get.

In therapy, I learned to accept my mother for who she is, flaws and all. I realized that she has her own trauma and she did the best she could raising me. Shifting my perspective has been a game-changer.

Mother Wounds

Mother wounds can stem from toxic patterns or behaviors that show up in the relationship with your mother. 

Your mother may be narcissistic, controlling, dismissive, competitive, or verbally abusive, just to name a few patterns. These behaviors may have shown up in your childhood and seeped right over into adulthood. 

I think it’s important to note that your mother was a whole human being before you came along. She had her own unresolved issues, grief, trauma, pain and, inner wounds.

She then becomes a mother and if she hasn’t done any kind of healing work to better herself, then it’s inevitable that she will pass down her unhealed wounds to her children.

This isn’t to excuse her choices or behavior, I just want to help you see things from another viewpoint.

Growing up my mother was emotionally unavailable and my internal needs were not met. She provided a roof over my head and made sure I had clean clothes and food. However, when it came to my emotional needs like getting the affection and validation I needed, that’s something I yearned for.

When your mother wounds go unhealed they will affect every area of your life. Friendships, relationships, parenting, the wounds can even manifest in your body.

I suffered from migraines for decades. They started when I was in college and caused me so much pain well into my thirties.

I learned in therapy that my migraines were tied to my mother wounds. As I’ve been doing the inner work to heal from my childhood pain, I can now say I no longer experience them.

 

Starting My Healing Journey

Therapy changed my life. I don’t believe I would be where I am today had I not taken the first step to heal. 

I decided that I didn’t want to carry my childhood pain any longer and I was ready to break the generational cycle. I didn’t want my children to have to live through my trauma because I chose not to do the inner work to heal.

My children deserve the best version of me and it wouldn’t be fair to them to relive my unhealed pain.

For years I suffered silently because I didn’t feel like anyone could relate to what I was going through. I felt like something was wrong with me because if my mother and father walked away surely other people in my life would do the same.

For seventeen years I learned how to mask my pain and cover up what I was feeling inside. Then one day I got to my breaking point where I honestly felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore.

I wish there were resources like The Motherless Child Guidebook, Therapy for Black Girls or women I could have talked to that could relate to what I was going through.

I had to figure out how to move forward on my own. It’s been quite a journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

Once I decided to put myself first by doing the inner work that’s when my life started to change. I’ve forgiven my mother for the choices that she’s made and I am optimistic about what’s to come in the future.

Through my experience, I’ve been able to truly discover my purpose and birth BeFree Project which is impacting the lives of women worldwide.

I know for sure that if I hadn’t started my self-healing journey, I wouldn’t be in the healthy mental and emotional space I’m in today.

I am determined to become the best version of myself so I continue to do the inner work. I’ve healed in ways I didn’t even think was possible and I love the woman I’ve become.

Helping Other Women Heal

When I recorded the episode on my podcast titled, The Motherless Child, it was right after Mother’s Day and the little girl in me was triggered.

I felt it was time to share my story and bring what I had been hiding behind to the forefront. I wanted to free myself and also help anyone that can relate to sometimes feeling like a motherless child.

What I’ve learned after that episode is that there are so many people that I see whether on social media or in-person that are hurting from mother wounds.

They’ve learned how to mask their pain very well. They are embarrassed to talk about their mother issues because they don’t want to make their mother look bad.  

We hear so much about daddy wounds and father issues, but we rarely hear people talking about the painful relationship or lack thereof with their mother.

Many of us were taught to honor and respect our mothers and never bring the family any shame. However, this is the reason why so many women are walking around cute but emotionally broken.

If you can relate I don’t want you to hide anymore. I want to support you on your healing journey and help free you from the pain you’ve been holding onto.

If there are times in your life where you feel like a motherless child I want you to know… 

  • You don’t have to suffer silently

  • You’re not alone, many people can relate to how you feel  

  • You don’t have to carry shame or guilt, because you didn’t do anything wrong 

I see you. I am making space for you. I acknowledge how you feel. 

I created The Motherless Child Guidebook: a sacred space for healing your mother wounds with you in mind. It’s designed to help you start your healing journey no matter where you’re at in life. 

If you’ve made it this far then there is a part of you that is ready to get started but you’re afraid. That is completely normal. Trust your intuition. Invest in your healing and do the inner work so you can get closure and start to have peace of mind.